What’s there, if it’s not Good Girl’s voice? Today, I’m finding that it’s not much. And yet it’s everything.
Big C has the stomach flu. She and I were up most of the night. I finally got a few hours of sleep from about 4-7. Only I made the mistake of crawling in bed with the 2 and 1/2 year old so that sleep was broken. I stumbled from the bedroom, bleary eyed to discuss with E our plans for the day. After thinking about it, I realized that now that Good Girl isn’t in charge, I have no problem functioning on severe sleep deprivation. Good Girl would be fighting the whole thing, putting up a big stink! I looked for that reaction. Really, I waited for it. I even started to tell E that yes, I would go back to bed and he could stay home for a few hours this morning. But it wasn’t there.
So, I’m sitting here mid-afternoon. Two children are asleep. Barfing seems to have abated. Still in my pj’s. I’m sipping chai and eating chocolate chips right out of the bag. And I’m just sitting. Looking out my back windows, watching the birds. And realizing that I’m A-OK. Today we’re doing puke. Maybe tomorrow we’ll be doing puke. Who knows? But now that The Voice has cleared, there is space. Space for what’s right in front of me. A quiet moment at my table with a yummy warm drink, the sound of the washing machine humming in the background and this feeling that I’m doing just what I meant to do. A little bit of nothing.
Don’t you see how that is everything?